Reading this, at times I thought "Are you me?" But we already knew we have stuff in common. We've both got the Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (and yes, wtf is up with that face illustration -- that looks more like the look I have on my face when I'm trying NOT to have the "are you stupid?" look on my face). Then we differ in that I have fibromyalgia and possibly narcolepsy, but it's the same old med dance. My nurse practitioner in PA had me on a combo of three anti-depressants, with two of them having shown to help people with fibromyalgia. Then I moved here, and my doctor thought I was on too many drugs, so she changed it to something else. Now my fibro is acting up. 🙄 And nothing so far has worked for the narcolepsy. I'm entirely immune to Provigil and Ritalin!
Anyway, like you I've made it this far holding down a good job with good performance reviews, but now I'm wondering if I could do that now. I'm constantly exhausted and have no focus. I read things, then look again and it says something different. WTF, brain, please stop it.
Do you ever feel guilty about being disabled? I know it's ridiculous because you certainly shouldn't! But I feel guilty all the time about my inability to function like I want. I suspect it's due to the shame and resentment that you see from people thinking you're getting a free ride and cheating the government, etc. People can be so cruel about invisible illnesses.
Sorry if I'm oversharing or derailing anything. I'm just kinda babbling right now. But YAY YOU for having the strength to get through all the paperwork and bullshit to get yourself properly certified (which still sounds weird to say)! I hope things get better/easier for you now. <3
Oh man I have a whole thing on doctors and medications which may turn into a post here at some point. But the short version is that whenever they're like "Oh let's reduce the number of pills you take" for the sheer sake of the NUMBER I'm like... or we could just give me the medication I need to live? Like I've had it in both directions where they try to reduce or increase a dose because - just to make up an example - let's say the medicine comes in a 50mg, 100mg, and 200mg dose. And what turns out to work for me is 150mg.
So that's two pills, right? One at 50mg, one at 100mg. But I'll have doctors try to say well let's try 100mg or 200mg so that way you're not taking two pills. And I'm like... just give me what I need! I'm already taking handfuls of meds a day trust me that this single additional pill ain't making a difference!
I absolutely feel the guilt. It's one of the things I'm working on with my therapist, among, yanno, all the other stuff. But when you have something where key symptoms are things like lack of motivation and feeling tired it is so easy to beat yourself up and think you could do it if you just got off your ass and tried. Or the stupid anxiety things where things like doing laundry shouldn't be a big deal but they are to my brain.
I'll write about this more when I talk about the application process but funnily enough one of the things that helped with my perception of myself was the final hearing. The tl;dr version is that getting the verdict and seeing everything I'm dealing with written out in pages and pages of text had me going um... am I sicker than I've been giving myself credit for? Should I have been giving myself more of a break this whole time? (To which, when I mentioned that to my therapist, she was like "UM, YA THINK?????????" so yeah.)
And not oversharing or derailing at all! I'm glad you shared! Part of why *I'm* sharing is that maybe it will help people feel less alone. So if people in general feel like they can share too - well selfishly that helps *me* feel less alone but hopefully it's also a sign I'm doing something right here? Giving people a place where they feel recognized?
I dunno. My brain is at one of those points of the day where it's slowing down but I didn't want to wait on letting you know I was glad you said something because I hope people in general feel safe to share and you're not people in general you're YOU so I'm extra glad you felt safe to share. *HUGHUGHUG*
Reading this, at times I thought "Are you me?" But we already knew we have stuff in common. We've both got the Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (and yes, wtf is up with that face illustration -- that looks more like the look I have on my face when I'm trying NOT to have the "are you stupid?" look on my face). Then we differ in that I have fibromyalgia and possibly narcolepsy, but it's the same old med dance. My nurse practitioner in PA had me on a combo of three anti-depressants, with two of them having shown to help people with fibromyalgia. Then I moved here, and my doctor thought I was on too many drugs, so she changed it to something else. Now my fibro is acting up. 🙄 And nothing so far has worked for the narcolepsy. I'm entirely immune to Provigil and Ritalin!
Anyway, like you I've made it this far holding down a good job with good performance reviews, but now I'm wondering if I could do that now. I'm constantly exhausted and have no focus. I read things, then look again and it says something different. WTF, brain, please stop it.
Do you ever feel guilty about being disabled? I know it's ridiculous because you certainly shouldn't! But I feel guilty all the time about my inability to function like I want. I suspect it's due to the shame and resentment that you see from people thinking you're getting a free ride and cheating the government, etc. People can be so cruel about invisible illnesses.
Sorry if I'm oversharing or derailing anything. I'm just kinda babbling right now. But YAY YOU for having the strength to get through all the paperwork and bullshit to get yourself properly certified (which still sounds weird to say)! I hope things get better/easier for you now. <3
Oh man I have a whole thing on doctors and medications which may turn into a post here at some point. But the short version is that whenever they're like "Oh let's reduce the number of pills you take" for the sheer sake of the NUMBER I'm like... or we could just give me the medication I need to live? Like I've had it in both directions where they try to reduce or increase a dose because - just to make up an example - let's say the medicine comes in a 50mg, 100mg, and 200mg dose. And what turns out to work for me is 150mg.
So that's two pills, right? One at 50mg, one at 100mg. But I'll have doctors try to say well let's try 100mg or 200mg so that way you're not taking two pills. And I'm like... just give me what I need! I'm already taking handfuls of meds a day trust me that this single additional pill ain't making a difference!
I absolutely feel the guilt. It's one of the things I'm working on with my therapist, among, yanno, all the other stuff. But when you have something where key symptoms are things like lack of motivation and feeling tired it is so easy to beat yourself up and think you could do it if you just got off your ass and tried. Or the stupid anxiety things where things like doing laundry shouldn't be a big deal but they are to my brain.
I'll write about this more when I talk about the application process but funnily enough one of the things that helped with my perception of myself was the final hearing. The tl;dr version is that getting the verdict and seeing everything I'm dealing with written out in pages and pages of text had me going um... am I sicker than I've been giving myself credit for? Should I have been giving myself more of a break this whole time? (To which, when I mentioned that to my therapist, she was like "UM, YA THINK?????????" so yeah.)
And not oversharing or derailing at all! I'm glad you shared! Part of why *I'm* sharing is that maybe it will help people feel less alone. So if people in general feel like they can share too - well selfishly that helps *me* feel less alone but hopefully it's also a sign I'm doing something right here? Giving people a place where they feel recognized?
I dunno. My brain is at one of those points of the day where it's slowing down but I didn't want to wait on letting you know I was glad you said something because I hope people in general feel safe to share and you're not people in general you're YOU so I'm extra glad you felt safe to share. *HUGHUGHUG*